Saved

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to SAVE the world through him."

~ John 3:16-17 NIV, emphasis added

Today I'd like to dedicate this post to my daughter, Baby G. Everyday I'd like to dedicate my life to the one who has SAVED me. For without forgiveness and love, without the joy of new life, without the HOPE of all eternity & without HIS saving grace . . . I would be lost. My life would be radically different (and not for the better) & I would not have my sweet beautiful little girl. In fact I would not have my family as it is today.

This post is about restoration, transformation, freedom, & most of all HOPE. If that's not your thing, that's okay . . . come back another day. BUT, I really hope you keep reading. Because this story is amazing. I couldn't make it up if I tried. It is so much more than what I can write here but here is just a touch of the grace my family has received.

Let me start out by saying this has nothing to do with me. I never could have accomplished any of this on my own. You see five years ago I was a very different person than who I am today. I was full of a lot of darkness, resentment, bitterness, dare I say hatred . I felt trapped and totally insecure in who I was, as a wife and mother. My marriage was trapped in an endless cycle of addiction and co-dependency. I wasn't able to keep up with my business or with my life. The devil loves darkness & I was finished. I was being crushed by the darkness. The picture I wanted others to see, the one I worked so hard to paint, was crumbling at my feet.

In Jeremiah 2:13 Jesus says: "My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water." When my pastor read that passage on this Easter Sunday, I immediately remembered. Wow. That had totally been me. There I was, trying to do "it" on my own. Didn't matter what "it" was I could fix"it", I could handle "it" on my own.

I've always been "Christian" in the sense that I've always "believed" in Jesus. I had religion & I lost religion, I never understood religion . . . what I didn't have and what I desperately needed was a relationship.

But back to the cistern . . . if Jesus is the living water, then a personal relationship with Jesus would be the way to be filled up. When we dig our own cisterns, we try to do it our own way. Yep, five + years ago that's where I was. Trying it all on my own and failing miserably. I was broken and nothing good was flowing from me. I had filed for divorce a year or so before that, just wanting relief. I now know, I was looking for it in the wrong place. I had dug my own cistern & yes that was my nasty water I was carrying around. Go figure.

That's when a beautiful, random-to-me in my world, stranger invited me to come check out her church. (Love you Brandy, & eternally grateful to you.) I was so broken on the inside . . . I said yes. God knew what I needed. I knew the first song that I had found what I needed, for what I was searching for. But I was skeptical, I was scared & I had oh so many walls.

"How Wide, How Deep, Is His LOVE for You" Nobody had ever told me that! Or maybe I never listened. Either way, there it was huge on the screen before me. And there I was, singing with tears streaming down my face . . . my heart of stone, the wall I had built up trying to protect myself began to slowly crumble. A flake at a time at first. Then pebble by pebble. Finally, stone by stone. When the barriers had been broken down, I was finally able to hear that gentle knocking on the door of my heart. And I answered! Praise GOD, I answered!

Though a progression of time God showed up B.I.G. in my life, in my familys' life. He saved me. I prayed for my now ex-husband for God to either save him or get him out of my life. Horrible prayer, right? I'm human. God sent and angel in a living body to my husband and saved him too! I didn't find this out till much later. God is so GOOD!

My prayer . . . my plea . . . over & over again was "God, please change my heart." One day in service God answered my plea, with a thought. It was simple and undeniable. "Support, your husband." I wanted to resist. I remembered all of the junk. Made excuses. Ultimately, I knew that the thought was of God. I stepped back & let HIM change my heart. Over & over again.

Ultimately I was SAVED. Our family was RESTORED. He TRANSFORMED me. I experienced FORGIVENESS of myself & others that I NEVER thought possible. I learned unconditional LOVE. I was born again to NEW LIFE. And given JOY & HOPE. All of the impossible things, have been made possible for me. All through that one amazing act of LOVE. God sending His one and only Son to die for me & for you.

My prayer is that if you hear that gentle knock on the door of your heart, you answer. And then hold on for the ride!

Let's Talk Doulas

Alright, let's just jump right in & talk about it. Let's talk Doula. Rae, this is for you. You ask & you shall receive . . .

Before we start I want to point out the obvious. This makes my second post. So I guess I've officially steped into blogger land. I think that it was obvious to me, all day today, when I started thinking in blog posts. Do any of my blogging friends/followers do THAT? Seriously, tell me I'm not the OnLy one!

Okay back to everything Doula. Some post I'll look up the stats and tell you all of the good stuff Doulas do. BUT this time I just want to tell you about my inspiration. I wanna share my heart from a laboring Mamas view.

My original DOULA LOVE. Her name is Dollie. She was my Doula with my first, born almost 8 years ago. Actually, 8 years ago on May 7th to be exact. Wow. That's a long time ago. Typing it seems unreal. Dollie was the best. I was actually pretty blessed to have Dollie be put in my path.

I was still in chiropractic college, 8 years ago. I was to graduate a month or so after the baby was to be born. I started my first few prenatal appointments at one of those groups. There was a midwife there but there were also OB's & my appointments would rotate with who they were with. And when you went into labor whoever was on call was who you got. Luck of the draw. Let's just say I didn't click with one of the OB's.

Now it is a total myth that chiropractors don't get along with MDs. Or atleast that is not the case with me. I know & like quite a few. He just didn't have any, should we say, bedside manner. And the result was that it brought me to my original MIDWIFE LOVE ~ Gayle. She, also, was the best. When you went into labor, you knew it was with her. And she KNEW respect & labor.

Off track, back to Dollie. Without her, without a doubt, I would have ended up a c-section statisitc. I have nothing against necessary c-sections. I was a c-section baby myself. I do take issue with the routine interference of a totally naturally process ~ birth~ trying to be shoved into "norms" and some doctors schedules. Babies are smart. They know what to do. So do our bodies. We've just been told, maybe by a well meaning person, that nature & God don't always know best. How redicoulious is THAT?!?

So Dollie. She walked in to my life. She was our birth educator too. She was a Bradley Method Educator & we secured her last Doula spot for the month of May. We scraped together something like $500, as a super poor college student. Because we just KNEW we needed her. She told us about writting a birth plan. Then she stepped out of our way and let us visualize our baby's birth. Then she softly reminded us our plan is great, but flexibility in birth is key.

When I finally called Dollie to come to our house & help us labor I had already been having contractions that I couldn't sleep though for atleast 24 + hours. I was tired, I was scared, & I was fighting birth. She immediatly affirmed me when she walked in. She told me I was doing great. She pointed out every time I had a contraction I would lean my forehead on the door jam, which apparently, was a natural pressure point to releive pain. I was instinctually doing it. Affirmation. And I can breathe. It's gonna be okay. She pointed out that I needed to go with the contractions not fight them. And I could breathe a little more.

I had seen my midwife that morning. Gayle was certain that "I wasn't gonna have this baby tonight." Maybe in a few days. I tucked that in the back of my head. When I was so tried and at a very broken point...that thought came back to me. That one statement, in passing, during my appointment. Gayle didn't mean anything by it, but I held on to those words. When Dollie & I were in the bedroom by ourselves. I broke down. I sobbed. I told her I can't do this for two more days. She looked me directly in the eyes. She told me I wouldn't have to. She was so sure. She gave me courage when I had none. I am crying typing this. What an amazing woman.

We walked & walked around the neighborhood. Stopping along the way to have a contraction here & there. The neighbor lady down the block comming to her door on that georgous May evening, peering out at me leaning against my husband and my superwomen Doula squeezing my hips together to offer counter pressure. Awesome. And I can breathe. It will be okay.

Back at the house labor is rolling now. Soon it is obvious I've hit transition. Time to go to the hospital, just like we planned. Dollie's so cool, she has Gayle's # in her cell phone. She's gonna meet us there. All through the rest of the labor & delivery she was there for us. All & all my labor & delivery ended up being something like 54 hours. If I hadn't had Dollie, I just may have given up. I might not have had anyone there to tell me it was normal. That it'd be okay. That I could do it.

She showed my husband & I how to labor together. She taught my husband how to be a rockstar birth partner. Something I greatly appreciated my next two births! She gave me support. She gave me courage. She gave me love. She was my advocate. She was my rock.

Dollie had a great birth story herself. If I remember it right, she has an induction with her first that led to a c-section. The amazing woman that she is...was able to have a successful - natural - unmedicated - VBAC with her second. Her mantra in class was "If I can have a natural birth, so can you. I don't like pain. I did it." So that is my inspiration. And that is my message to you too. If I can do it (3 times) so can you. You were made wonderfully and beautifully. YOU WERE MADE TO BIRTH.

Blessings & Love to You All,

You Are AMAZING

Chickened Out

So here I am. I've decided to give blogging a try.

Well, in all honesty it's try #2. When I was first pregnant with my beautiful little girl I gave it a try...once. It was called "9 Months the Natural Way". So what happened? If I remember right, my computer caught a cold, life got busy & then I chickened out.

It really is too bad. I read it today, before I deleted it from cyber world. My one and only post. It sounded like it would have been a good blog to follow. Yet it never went past the first post...

So, I chickened out. Not that I thought it was un-interesting or anything like that. It was more like... I started doubting my ability. You know, the ability to do things ~ the whole ~ 9 months ~ NATURALLY. I had done it twice before, thought it would be a breeze the third. This time I was six years older & I had to take off work for about 6 months... I started to think it might not pan out, that it could all fall apart & I would look really foolish.

How many Mom's feel like that when their pregnancy or birth or life doesn't quite go the way they had it planned out in their head? How many of us feel like if we would have just done this or that maybe it would have been different? Why do we take on all of the weight of the world and try to hold it up high? Is it because if we don't, we fear it might crush us? I know a lot of Mom's & I've heard many stories . . . many of us take on stuff we just shouldn't.

So...of the many things I learned during the pregnancy of my 3rd child, here are a few. Things don't always go the way WE plan. Giving everything over to God ALL of the time is hard. Babies are smart, especially babies that are waiting to make their entrance into this world. Gods plan is ALWAYS greater than ours. Being educated on what is normal for birth changes the game of birth. Surrounding yourself with a great support team is so important. (Yes I mean your family & friends BUT also your team of care providers too!) Oh yea, and breastfeeding isn't always easy...even if you've done it before.

We need to be kind to expectant & new Momma's. We need to be encouraging, loving, empowering forces for women everywhere...no matter what stage of life they (or we) are in. No matter what our story is, it's our story. All babies are unique. All births are unique. Each of us is our own unique person. Each of us, as parents are unique. My beliefs are not your beliefs. Information is just information. That's the great thing, you get to decide what you get to do with it.

Did I get my 9 months naturally? Well, that depends on your definition. My journey was my journey. Most would say yes, I would say not totally. So 2 ultrasounds later and 6 months of light duty, I had my beautiful daughter. I must say it was the most amazing birth yet. But at some point, I had to let go of my fears and remember all that I have learned. I had to remember: "I was MADE to birth." It's one my three wonderful birth stories. Maybe it will be a post for another day. If I don't chicken out!